Disclaimer/trigger alert/whatever I’m supposed to write etc, etc. Mentions of suicide in this post.

Firstly, mum, don’t worry, I’m fine.

I know those of you who read this who are friends and/or family care. I know you do. However, this isn’t just a blog about my travels. As the front page says it’s about my healing too. Keith will be mentioned throughout my blog and if you don’t like that, don’t feel you need to read or indeed comment.

Bit of background if you’re not aware, I’ve never loved anyone other than Keith. Never. I just turned 45 last month and fell in love with Keith when I was 22. I’ve loved him, and been with him for for half my life. So don’t expect me not to talk about him. Yes he might have moved on and is pretty much living with another woman in Birmingham, but he’s my husband and I love him despite his behaviour.

Things will still catch me off guard and today was no different.

The Mountain High Pizza Pie place had live music on tonight (Hope Cassity, check her out on Spotify) and I’ve no idea why, but I couldn’t stop thinking about Keith and the tears came! The sunglasses quickly went on as I sat there with my veggie pizza greetin (crying for the non Scots). Maybe it was because it’s my mother in law’s birthday today (she actually responded to my Facebook message which was very surprising as I’ve not heard from het since she responded to my WhatsApp in February saying she wouldn’t comment or get involved, despite the fact she’d told my mum she’d try and help with Keith communicating with me!

Then blooming Youtube started playing the video from Keith’s Microsoft group today and of course I gad a quick look. I’ve not seen him or heard his voice since December. He wasn’t in (what was) our house, he’s clearly in her place but in the background on the bookshelf was his MVP certificate. It just made me really sad, I’ve no idea how the man I spent so long with could do that. I’ll always admit I did some things wrong in our marriage, but not that. Yes, fine we separated last July and apparently they didn’t get together until November but 1) the separation was his choice, not mine, I wanted to keep trying to save our marriage and 2) he pretty much moved in with her at Christmas. Odd if you’ve only been together a few weeks.

I knew I was going to get times like this on the trip. Some folk seem to think that me doing this trip means I’m fine. I’m not. How can you possibly be over what you still want? How can you be over a person you still love?

I went back.to stand in the river park tonight. It was much quieter tonight. I stood for a long time. Just watching and listening. Problems seem so insignificant when nature begaves in the way it does.

Had I been standing there at the start of this year with my mental health they way it was, I’m quite convinced I’d just have walked down those rocks and let that water carry me away and pull me under. Im glad today I just stood and enjoyed taking everything in knowing that I am alive and seeing things I never thought I would.

I think it all just seemed that little bit worse earlier because I was in that horrible time difference period when it was too late or too early to call anyone! Life huh?

Now, who would like to bet on how long it takes mum to message me to make sure I’m okay? 😉